If you’re in a healthy relationship you should be able to say whatever is on your mind, right? Only if you’re willing to risk ruining your relationship. While you shouldn’t lie to your significant other (except for in certain instances), stopping yourself from expressing your unsolicited thoughts is not only totally permitted, it’s usually the smart thing to do. Remember that old proverbial saying, “silence is golden”. Wise words to live by.
There are some things that you never want to bring up with your man, no matter how true they are or how strongly you feel about telling them to him. I know you think he can handle it. After all, he puts on such a macho facade, he can take anything you can dish out. Well, here’s a little secret: men are taught to be strong and to suppress their feelings, but they’re really quite sensitive and fragile deep down inside, particularly in certain areas.
Here they are:
Most men need to feel that they are providing for their family. Even though times have changed since daddy brought home the sole paycheck and mommy stayed home to raise the kids and run the household, that image of the man being the bread winner is still ingrained in the minds of most men. Even today, in many families, the old stereotype still holds true. If you tell your man, or lead him to believe, that you think he cannot support his family (or you) to the standard that you expect, you will crush him. You will shame him and make him feel so inadequate that he will either leave you to save face or become a shell of his former self (which won’t be much fun). If you truly feel that he is incapable of providing, then you have 2 choices: 1) leave and find someone you think is capable or 2) make some money.
It’s ok to encourage your man to strive to be better and reach his full potential. But you need to do it in a way that he will not view as an attack on his ability to provide. It’s a delicate maneuver to make, but doable with the right sensitivity and awareness.
Men are competitive by nature. They strive to win, and hate to lose. Losing can make a man feel less of a “man”. When you place the image in his mind of you having sex with another man, he feels like he’s in a competition and you’re the judge. All he can think about is how this other guy was better than him. It doesn’t matter if this is totally false, and it doesn’t matter how much you deny it and try to tell him that he is the best you’ve ever had. He thinks that you’re lying to protect his ego (are you?). He feels insecure in his own ability. He feels like a loser. All he can see is this other guy giving you the time of your life. He has no choice but to leave you or forever cower in the shadow of the image of the sexual black belt who ruined you for all other men.
He knows you’re not a virgin. He might even know who you were with. You don’t need to talk about it. Keep your mouth shut. If he tries to bring it up, brush it off and move on to another subject. Make it clear that you’ve wiped away every memory you ever had about the other guy, and don’t remember a darn thing. You got a virtual lobotomy. He’ll be able to deal with that.
There are certain things that a man is traditionally supposed to be able to do like: reading a roadmap, fixing stuff around the house, changing a tire, using tools, basic landscaping, navigating the Home Depot aisles. If you make him feel incapable of performing his male tasks, he’ll feel like a loser and resent you for it. He knows that he can’t do most of the crap guys are mythically supposed to do, but he doesn’t want you to throw it in his face, especially in front of another man. It’s ok for him to ask another man for help. It’s not ok for you to do so in front of his face or behind his back. Let him try to get the job done himself. When he realizes he can’t, he get someone else to do it. Just let him get to that realization on his own.
If you heed this advice and avoid these 3 areas of discussion, you’ll greatly increase your chances of relationship success and keep your man feeling happy and secure.