An Important Exercise: List Making

I’ve never given you homework before, but this is an exercise which I highly recommend you complete if you’re even a bit serious about finding your soulmate. In fact, I’m making it a requirement.
Everyone has a list in their mind of the characteristics and qualities they are looking for in a mate. Get a piece of paper and write down your list. Yes, physically write it down, don’t just imagine it in your mind. There’s much too much going on up there as is. Be honest. If anyone just has 2 items on their list, 1) Jewish and 2) good heart, you’re either not taking this seriously or you’re not being honest with yourself. You need to write down every single item in that mental list that you’ve been carrying around with you for the last few years on every date you’ve been on.
Make the list as detailed as it needs to be, or as it actually is. That means writing “attractive” is not enough, because you undoubtedly have many factors that go into defining what attractive means to you. For some it’s the color of eyes or hair, height, size and shape of specific body parts, etc. I know you understand what I’m saying so don’t make believe you don’t. Just write down that detailed list of what you are honestly looking for and evaluating each time you meet a potential mate.

Ok, you now have a list on a piece of paper. Most of you have at least 10 items on the list. Some of you have many more. Now take a moment to think about how much you really want to be married.

  • Is marriage something that you’d ideally like to accomplish under the right circumstances, but you’re quite happy remaining single if that entire list is not filled to perfection?
  • Have you decided that you’d like to continue your search for a mate for a few more years to make sure you leave no stone unturned (or no gal undated) until you find the “perfect one”?
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    If you answered yes to the last two questions, then you should probably stop reading, take your list, and put it behind a thick glass frame because you’ll be needing it for a very long time.

    However, if you are truly ready and willing to meet someone with whom you will build a happy and fulfilling life and family, then you need to pay close attention and follow my next instructions. Carefully go through your list again and cross out each item that is irrelevant to building a happy home and family. You might need help to accomplish this, but I think you can figure out some of them on your own. This is definitely one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do because it entails not just crossing out some words but changing the way you’ve been thinking for years and giving up on unrealistic dreams and fantasies. It might even be quite painful, but the alternative of being single for another 5 or 10 year will hurt much more.
    If you’ve followed my instructions your list should now be at least half as long as it was when you began.

    Now, if you have decided that you don’t want to be single for another day and you are ready to settle down with your spouse NOW, here’s what you need to do. Go through your new, short, list and decide which of those items you will compromise on. That means if you are left with 5 list items, 2 of those need to be things you’d ideally love to have but you’re willing to let them go if the other, more important, ones are there. Best 3 out of 5. Now we’re getting somewhere.

    Honestly, if you’re really serious about this, you should have 3 items on your list and be willing to accept 2 out of 3. If that’s the case, you will be under the chupah very soon. Mazal Tov!

    Keep reading jcoach.com for more dating advice and relationship advice, and please contact me if you’d like personal coaching or advice.

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    Trackbacks & Pingbacks

    1. […] out for you, maybe there are some changes that you need to make? Maybe you need to reevaluate your list of requirements for a potential mate? Maybe you need to date differently, act differently, view yourself […]

    2. […] Regarding specific qualities, that’s up to you and your list to decide whether it’s worth continuing to date this person. Just make sure you and your list are realistic. […]

    3. […] charge of your life. Go through that list of criteria that you expect to find in your soul mate and cross out the ones that really aren’t important for building a marriage and raising a family. Be realistic. Then find a woman who has the important […]

    4. […] you’ve determined your list of characteristics needed in a soulmate, stay focused. That might mean passing up dates with people with whom you can […]

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