Comments on “What Happened to Faith?”

I thought I’d share a few of the emails that I received in response to my recent Op-Ed in The Jewish Press entitled, What Happened to Faith?. I’ve deleted the senders names by request.

read with interest your Jewish Press article ‘What Happened to Faith’? My wife and I were older singles before we married and older newlyweds afterward. We live in the Lawrence, NY, and we both agree with everything you’ve articulated in your article. As you say in your article, we simply don’t know what Hashem’s plan is for any of us or for mankind in general. Perhaps, Hashem has ordained that singles today get married later those of past generations–for reasons that are beyond our comprehension.

PS: I’m a Certified Public Accountant, and from my limited experience in the Five Towns, I really don’t think that one could raise a family with three children here in the Five Towns on an annual income of only $200,000 based on the criteria that you enumerated. I think the number would have to be closer to $230,000/$250,000; the additional $30,000/$50,000 could probably be provided by both sets of in-laws.

Dear Rabbi Singer —

My wife and I read with great interest your article in this week’s Jewish Press. She and I are also matchmakers on Saw You at Sinai and are all too familiar with the phenomenon you describe, particularly with respect to men who want to meet women significantly younger than they are. We also live on the Upper West Side and have friends and acquaintances whose stories could very well have been included in your article.

Thank you for bringing this issue to people’s attention. We have struggled with it as well, and wonder whether there is anything practical that can be done to move towards resolving it. Is there anything we can suggest to Saw You at Sinai in an attempt to ameliorate this problem? Maybe an age limit or an email suggestion to members to keep their expectations realistic? Right now, we view Saw You at Sinai and its competitors as making it both easier and harder to find a bashert — easier because one can find his or her match at the click of a button, but harder to find a match because it is so much easier to reject more people, faster. Are these dating websites contributing to the problem by making it easier to reject potential matches for the superficial reasons you describe?

We would love to hear your thoughts. Thank you.

Rabbi Singer, I enjoyed your article on jewish older singles. My wife and I who live in baltimore have set up many singles before( had a few hits actually) and agree with you !00%. My father in law says its too easy today to stay single cause you have all your errands done by the cleaners,fast food stores ect. They don’t feel a push to get married. We can go on forever. One question I always leave them with is “on a scale of 1-10 how much do you want to be married”. When they say 10 we can talk”. Have a good shabbos.

The comments section below is open, so please don’t be shy!

Keep reading jcoach.com for more dating advice and relationship advice, and please contact me if you’d like personal coaching or advice.

1 reply
  1. M.A. Stone
    M.A. Stone says:

    I am a single, mid-30s orthodox male who recently moved to the Upper West Side. I am also a recent Baal Teshuvah (about 2 years) that recently returned from Yeshiva and am still relatively new to the shidduch scene. My criteria for meeting a woman (other than physical attraction and similar hashkafas – which I assume is automatically understood) is simple. The woman needs to be flexible (i.e. not a control freak), giving (i.e. not materialistic or superficial) and trustworthy. Any other factors (age, occupation, family name/status, how well she did on her biology final in 9th grade, etc.) are merely technical and do not play into my decision whether or not to meet someone.

    That being said, however, I do not completely agree with your statement that one’s decision not to date someone based on their age stems solely from a lack of bitachon (although the guy in your example certainly fits that mold and needs to be given a potch before it is too late). While there are definitely a large number of older singles that have unreasonable/foolish expectations about what they feel they deserve/are entitled to in the dating world (who sadly will also be the same people complaining about these things ten years from now), my experience dating older women has frequently been one of frustration and/or disappointment.

    Although I have yet to turn down a date with a woman based solely on her age, I have unfortunately found many of these women fall into one of three categories: 1. overly picky/unrealistic with regard to what they expect from a man; 2. have commitment issues; or 3. have a pessimistic/jaded attitude towards men, the dating process or just life in general.

    While I am fully aware that many men possess these same exact traits (and by no means am I representing that I do not have my own quirks as well), there is certainly something to be said for why someone (male or female) that has been religious since birth is still single in their mid to late 30s (or older) while everyone around them was married in their early 20s. Although I always try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt in these situations, my experience has been that sadly, there is usually an answer to that question.

    I realize that my comments may not be the most politically correct, but it is my hope that anyone in the dating scene (regardless of gender or age) that has unrealistic expectations (or any expectations at all) of what they think they deserve to get in the dating process can set those criteria aside and just give the person they happen to be with a legitimate chance. As you so eloquently stated in your article, have some bitachon that things will work out for the best! There are some really great people out there – but one must be open-minded enough to be able to spot them and hang on to them.

    I wish all of your readers much success with your searches, and may we all find our zivugs very soon!

    Reply

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