Dear Jcoach: Why Did He Reject Me?


I recently received an email that I know many of my female readers with identify with. Here’s the email:

Dear Jcoach,

I would like your opinion. I had an amazing 1st date with a guy. We met at coffee shop and talked easily for an hour and then he invited me back to his place to continue the conversation. We talked for another 2 hours, we laughed, joked, he even gave me a neck massage. He complimented me, said he loved my accent, and we seemed to have a lot in common. When I left I reached out for his hand but he grabbed me and hugged me tight and strong. I asked if we could see each other again and he said yes.

He emailed me immediately and said what a good time he had but he ended the email with “stay safe.” I emailed him back and haven’t heard from him since. I sent another email 2 days later to see if he was free this weekend and now it’s been 5 days and I feel really rejected.

I want to know why – is there a good way to ask without sounding desperate or needy?

Well, before I attack the real issues here, let’s get one thing out of the way: forget about “knowing why”. As much as you, or anyone who has been “dumped”, would give your next paycheck to find out “why”, you never will because no dumper will ever tell you the truth. Seriously, would you? Of course not. You’ll make something up about bad timing, not connecting, your gut, that missing feeling, etc. So save yourself some time and frustration and just move on. There is no good way to ask without sounding desperate or needy…and it just doesn’t matter.

Now let’s try and figure out what exactly happened that turned what looked to be a hugely successful date into an email to the Jcoach and many hours of lost sleep trying to figure out the license plate of the truck that just ran you over. The first thing that undoubtedly comes to mind is the old adage, “He’s just not that into you.” Everyone reading this post thought of that, right? It’s the phrase that covers everything. Whenever a guy doesn’t want to date you, it’s obvious that “He’s just not that into.” I disagree.

That’s right, I’m willing to go out on a limb and stand against the theory that put so many female minds out of the agony and misery of trying to figure out why he didn’t call again. He just wasn’t that into you. If he was, he would have called. WRONG.

The guy in the reader’s email obviously was into her, at least on a physical level. He was into her enough to invite her back to his place after an hour of nice conversation at a coffee shop. The reader took that to mean that he was interested in pursuing a meaningful and lasting dating relationship. While that option is possible, going back to a guy’s apartment after an hour is probably not the best way for a gal to show that she’s looking for a serious and meaningful relationship.

Now, I wasn’t there in the apartment so I can’t know for sure what was going on and I might be way off (and please let me know if I am), but here’s my take. This sincere female soulmate searcher’s attractive appearance and cute accent drove this young man’s hormones wild. The hunt was on. At this point, he couldn’t care less about a relationship. The only thing that mattered was the conquest. So he successfully got her back to his place where he tried to soften her up with some more conversation. Then the neck massage. Ok, how many readers smiled when they came to the part about the neck massage. Seriously, how much clearer can this scenario be?

So what happened next? Like I said, I wasn’t there so I can’t be sure, but my guess is that our emailer evaded her hunter and, knowingly or not, sent him the message that she was not going to be added to his trophy case…at least not on that night. Unable to close the deal the guy said Ciao, have a nice life, and proceeded to look for easier prey.

So, yes, he was clearly into you (our emailer). He just wasn’t interested in entering into a relationship with you, or possibly anyone else either. Maybe he wasn’t really into your sense of humor or personality, maybe he was. He definitely was into your “body”. He definitely was not a serious dater looking for a serious relationship. Do I need to explain?

So to all those women who over the years have learned to attribute rejection (after a physical encounter/date) to “he’s just not that into you,” don’t sell yourself short. He probably was THAT into you in some sense, but he wasn’t ready or willing to pursue any sort of dating relationship (that means longer than a one or two night fling). That’s more about him then it is about you. Just hold your head up high, be the best that you can be, and move on to the next and, hopefully better, man.

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