dating advice for women

How To Know If A Guy Is Using You

I answer dating and relationship questions from some very attractive and put together women. Their questions aren’t related to getting dates or attracting men. They have no problems in those areas. Their issues usually arise further down the line when they discover that the guys that were so eager to woo them have suddenly cooled off and decided that they just don’t feel the connection and just don’t think the relationship is right for them.

What happened? Could it be that even though these guys knew that a relationship with them wouldn’t work (for whatever reason), they still pursued them because of their physical attraction with the intention of “dumping” them down the road?

Let’s create 3 “hypothetical” examples to illustrate and then analyze:

1. Sammy will not marry a woman who is older than he. In fact, he’s decided that he’ll only marry someone who is at least 5 years his junior. That’s what all the men in his community and social circles do, and he’s happy to follow in their footsteps. Sammy meets a girl at a party, who happens to be a model! She’s also 2 years older than he is. He eagerly asks her out.

2. David is an Orthodox Jew. He will only marry a woman who is Orthodox. He meets Karen who is beautiful, smart, fun, and extremely sexy. Unfortunately, although she’s Jewish, she has no desire take on the duties of an Orthodox lifestyle. David starts dating her and assures her that he’s open to marrying someone who isn’t Orthodox, even though he isn’t.

3. Lance is a Harvard Law grad who majored in philosophy at Berkley. He considers himself an intellectual and dates women of a similar ilk. Lance meets Lisa at a picnic. She’s super attractive, personable, and teaches nursery school. She’s as far from being an intellectual as possible, and proud of it. He realizes this, but asks her out anyway.

Now that we’ve laid out our test cases, let’s not rush to judgement. Ladies and gentleman of the jury, isn’t is possible that these men might have a change of heart and fall in love and marry these women despite their pre-existing prejudices? Anything is possible. There are exceptions to every rule. It could very well be that Sammy, David, and Lance are those exceptions. But let’s be realistic, the chances of that being true are slimmer than a teenage runway model. So what are these ladies supposed to do?

Gals, you’ve got 2 choices:

1. Say no right up front and never turn back.

Based on the odds, this is the safest route to take. Even if the guy tries to convince you that he’s different, stick to your guns and be strong, because you know better than to fall into the same hole that so many of your teammates have fallen into before. It’ll be really hard to turn down the date and you’ll probably be racked with doubt and regret for the next couple of weeks, but after a few pounds of chocolate, many hours of Sex and the City reruns, and a few sessions with your gal pals in the self help section, you’ll get over it and be relieved that you made the right decision.

2. Go out with him and call his bluff.

That means, go out on the date, be your charming self, and make it very clear to him exactly who you are and why you feel uncomfortable with the current situation. Make it clear means talk about it. Just come right out and say it. Like, “I’m not Orthodox and I don’t plan to be. You are, and you will only marry someone Orthodox. So why do you want to date me? Where can this possibly go?”

But let’s say he convinces you that you’re wrong and that he really doesn’t care about age, religion, or intellect. All he wants is YOU! If you’re a real poker player and willing to put your heart at risk, you call his bluff. You continue to go out with him, but you DO NOT ENGAGE IN ANY TYPE OF PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP.

If he’s bluffing and really only wants to “use you”, he will give up after a few dates and move on to easier pickings. You will have successfully called his bluff and saved yourself a lot of heartache. If he continues to date you for at least 15 dates (you can choose your own number here, but I strongly suggest keeping it in the double digits), then he might very well be for real.

As I wrote in a previous post, holding back is the best way to call a guy’s bluff and make sure he’s with you for the right reasons.

What’s the best route to take? I leave that up to you.

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