Why no second date request?
Here’s a dating question that one of our users sent me that I’ve decided to share with you because I hear it again and again from damsels in distress.
I’ve been muddling along on the 1 or 2 dates per week thing for a while now. I’ve been meeting lovely people, none of whom I’ve been interested in. But THEN…this past weekend I met someone at a barbecue, and he got in touch and asked me out. It was great.
Okay, but seriously. I went out with him on Monday night. We spend 3.5 hours together talking. It was fun. The next day, he texted me. We’ve exchanged a bunch of texts yesterday and today (it’s Wed. early afternoon). It is so rare I actually care about this sort of thing at all, but I’m actually interested here (miracle of miracles). I think he might be interested too (I mean signs point to yes–He asked me out. We had a good time. HE texted ME. Said goodnight last night…) But dude, when is he going to ask me out again? Am I being impatient? I’m staring at my phone at work — productivity is definitely suffering.
When should I give up hope? Tomorrow? Is he just texting me b/c he’s bored? (He’s not bored. He’s very smart and busy, not to mention very handsome…) What do you think? SIGH.
So let me summarize the main points in this common scenario:
1) Guy shows interest. Asks girl out on date.
2) Date goes well.
3) Guy sends multiple texts over the next couple of day, but doesn’t ask her out again.
4) Girl is frustrated. What should she do?
What should you do if he doesn’t ask you out again?
You’ve got a few choices:
1) Continue playing along with his texting game and hope for the best. No, it doesn’t make any sense for him to be texting you without actually asking you out again, but who knows? If it’s only been a couple of days since the date, he might still pop the question.
2) Stop responding to his texts, or at least greatly delay your responses, and hope that he cares enough to phone you. Make yourself unavailable. It might get his male hunter adrenaline pumping and get him to step on the gas. If he’s not really interested, he’ll get tired and quit the game.
[bctt tweet=”Option 2: Stop responding to his texts & hope that he cares enough to call you.” username=”DatingCoachSOS”]
3) Just be honest and tell him the truth – – listen, I enjoyed our time together and I’m at a place in life where I’m looking for a relationship…so if you’re interested in exploring that option and GOING OUT again, I’d be happy to see you. Otherwise, I’m really busy…see you around.
I like number 3, the honest and direct approach. If he’s really serious, he will too. I’d wait another day to give him a chance to make his move, but then, if the texting game continues I’d hit him full force with both barrels of the truth.
Option number 2 is fine too, if you can handle the frustration of not knowing where you stand for a little while longer. Most woman I speak to can’t function in their normal, productive manner with a “romantic unknown” hanging over them. If you can, then it’s easier than having the honest conversation in #3.
Rejection is part of the dating process. It happens to everyone. No one is exempt, not even the models out there.
Why do you get rejected? The only way to know for sure is to hear the rejecting person’s reasons. That rarely happens. To be accurate, you usually do get a reason, but it’s almost never the truth. No guy or girl is going to tell you to your face that they were repulsed by you, would rather have jumped out a window than continue to listen to another boring word come out of your mouth, or felt nauseous from your subtle but deadly odor. Instead you’ll probably hear something like, “there just wasn’t any chemistry”, or “I just didn’t feel like we connected fully”. You can make up the rest of the excuses. In fact, why not have some fun and write some of them below in the comments section?
So why didn’t you get a second date when you thought that the first date went relatively well, maybe even very well? What did you do wrong?
Ever hear the infamous phrase, “It’s not you, it’s me“? Even though it sounds like a nice way to hide the real, sinister, reason, it’s usually the plain simple truth. In most cases it’s really not you. The fact that this other person who you spent a pleasant evening with doesn’t want to spend another with you usually has absolutely nothing to do with you. There’s nothing wrong with you and you didn’t do anything wrong or stupid. It’s them.
[bctt tweet=”There’s nothing wrong with you and you didn’t do anything wrong or stupid. It’s them.” username=”DatingCoachSOS”]
For whatever reason (which is frankly none of your business), they’ve decided that they just don’t want to see you again, period. Maybe you don’t fit their image of perfect beauty or maybe you’re too attractive or smart or personable and they just can’t handle it? It could be anything, and at the end of the day, it just doesn’t matter because, “it’s not you, it’s them”.
Feel better? Not so fast.
Sometimes the reason why you didn’t get a second date is totally your fault, and if you had done things differently, you’d be getting that second date.
What you did to lose a second date
You disrespected the date
You came to the date in sweatpants and a tee shirt. Unless you were planning to paint your local homeless shelter (which might be an interesting date idea) or you look like Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt, you’ve come across as being totally disrespectful of your date and the whole dating process, and you’ll probably not get that second date.
You were rude (or crude)
Manners do still matter to most people, so if you’re impolite, insulting, foul mouthed, crass, or just plain rude, you can probably kiss that second date goodbye, along with your reputation. Sure, if you’re a super model and the guy you’re with things your foul mouth and bitchiness is a turn on, you’ll do fine. But is that really the kind of person you want to be with?
You talked the entire time
You talked the entire time without giving your date the chance to get in a word edgewise. You didn’t ask your date any questions to show that you were genuinely interested. You just yapped yapped yapped. You must have had an amazing time listening to yourself. Your date probably didn’t. Don’t you know that people love listening to their own voice and if you give them that opportunity, they will feel like they had a great conversation with you? (Check out Dale Carnegie’s, How To Win Friends and Influence People)
You flirted with other people
What’s wrong with a little harmless flirting? It’s rude and insulting to your date. Do I really need to explain? Use your judgment, or better yet, just don’t do it.
You made and took personal calls and texted throughout the date
This one’s pretty self explanatory too.
I could go on and on listing things NOT to do on your date (you can add more in the comments section), but I think you get the picture. You can’t fundamentally change how you look, what you do, or your personality. If someone doesn’t like what you have to offer enough to go out on a second date, then it’s their loss. Don’t sweat it, and move on to bigger and better things.
But you CAN change how you act on a date. Is the reason you’re not getting second dates because of what you do, or don’t do, on dates? Think about it.
End of Story
You’ll be happy to hear that our distressed damsel story ended well. She decided on option #2 — giving him until the end of the day. He asked her out. Patience triumphed.
What would you have done?