wait to have sex

You Gotta Know When to Hold ‘Em

A friend of mind just told me that he had recently set up a mutual friend with a buddy of his from work. She’s very attractive, mid 30’s, sweet, athletic, and fun to be with. She was crazy about the guy. He broke up with her after a month. He said that she was “too available”. There was “no challenge”. When he went away for a week, she texted him about ten times every day.

I know, the ladies out there are saying, “so what?” I fundamentally agree. My first reaction to hearing this story was to say that he obviously isn’t really ready to get married because if he was, he would be thrilled to have such a woman so head over heals in love with him. In theory that’s true. Unfortunately, the reality is much different.

Ladies, here’s the way most guys operate. It takes most guys longer to become emotionally attached to a woman than vice versa. Most men initially focus primarily on a woman’s outer beauty and the sexual attraction he feels for her. It could take weeks before he begins to develop a deeper emotional connection with her.

In this initial stage a significant part of that sexual attraction a guy feels is based on the challenge of winning over his woman. He is in hunter mode, adrenaline pumping, testosterone at super high levels, totally focused on one objective: to make that woman his own (use your imagination). Ladies, your primary mission is to keep him in this state of pursuit for as long as possible, until he has a chance to form an emotional connection with you. The longer you keep the chase going, the better your chances of forming a true and lasting relationship.

Here are things that you do NOT want to do before that emotional connection is formed:

1. Physical Intimacy
Since I’m a rabbi I’m holding back here on the explicit language, but please understand what I’m getting at. You have the prize he desperately wants to possess. He will say and do practically anything to win that prize. He will stay in the game until he gets it. The longer you keep the game going, the better your chances of winning; i.e. forming a lasting relationship.

Some women think that if they don’t give the guy the prize right away, he will move on to easier prey, so they give up the chase and end up losing the guy anyway. This is a huge mistake. If you are looking for a lasting relationship, then a guy who will leave if he doesn’t get his prize when he wants it is NOT the guy for you. He’s not the man you want to walk down the aisle with and be the future father of your children. Think about it.

2. Seem Needy
I know you really want to check in with your new guy friend at least 5 times a day and have long phone conversations before bed every night. You want him to show that he cares about you by calling, sending romantic texts and emails, and making you the center of his life. HOLD BACK.

Guys need their space. They don’t feel the need to check in with you at all during the day, unless they have something important to tell you. Many guys don’t like talking on the phone for too long in any case. Their idea of communication is much more functional and practical than yours. If they have nothing they need to say, they would rather skip the conversation, say a quick goodnight, and go on with their business.

This doesn’t mean that you can’t communicate with him at all. One text a day is plenty. Let him take charge and be a hunter. Let him chase you.

3) Be too available
If you like this guy you obviously want to spend as much time with him as possible to build your relationship. You are absolutely right. However, remember that he is the hunter and needs the challenge, so he needs to be the one to court you. What if he isn’t making the effort to spend as much time with you as you would like? Don’t get frustrated. Just do your own thing. Live your life. If he calls and you’ve already made plans, too bad for him. Let him know you’d really love to see him but you need more than a few hours notice to plan your schedule. Show him that you have a life. It won’t turn him off. It’ll just make him want you more. It might be frustrated initially, but in the long run, you will be happy you weren’t so “available”.

I hate games, and I wish you didn’t have to play them, but in the reality of today’s dating scene, you do. Holding back is the most powerful tool in your feminine arsenal. Use it wisely and you will greatly increase your chances of creating that lasting relationship with the right guy.

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7 replies
  1. Anonymous
    Anonymous says:

    I think this advice applies equally to males (besides for maybe the physical intimacy part). In the courtship stage, I think both genders want to feel like they’re connecting with someone that is special, unique, great, etc. One way to express those qualities is to have your own life and interests (e.g., not be too available). In addition, even though appearance is important; much more important is to actually not be too available (e.g., have your own life) as well as not being too needy.

    • JCoach
      JCoach says:

      If you’re not one of “those” guys, then you have nothing to worry about. Throw yourself fully into the relationship you’re trying to develop and you’ll be successful.

    • JCoach
      JCoach says:

      There are exceptions to every rule. If you’re one of them, then keep doing what your doing, and pass this article onto those who you think need to read it. Best of luck!


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  1. […] to his texts, or at least greatly delay your responses, and hope that he cares enough to phone you. Make yourself unavailable. It might get his male hunter adrenaline pumping and get him to step on the gas. If he’s not […]

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