Succeed, or Adapt and Succeed

I recently met a single guy who I’ll call Lester, for the sake of his anonymity (if your name happens to be Lester, I’m sorry, on many levels). Lester’s details and vital stats are not important for now. He’s a nice, normal Jewish guy. When I asked Lester what he’s looking for in a soulmate, he told me that he really felt that he needed, and would best connect with, a British woman (this is a true story, I kid you not). I don’t exactly recall his reasoning, but I do remember that it had something to do with his love and appreciation of British humor.

My answer to him was immediate and blunt: you should be in England. Does that make sense? If you have your heart set on meeting a British girl, then you need to be in England. I think Lester was a bit taken aback and didn’t really have a good response. His job? Well, making a living is certainly important, but finding your soulmate is too. If you’re in your late 30’s or upwards, as Lester is, then you should be in the position to be able to take off at least a few months, preferably more, to accomplish the MOST important objective of your life. Yes, maybe you will have to take a financial hit or need to change jobs, but would you rather be financially successful and alone, or happily in love?

Lester, if you decide to follow your dream then you must go all out and do whatever it takes to succeed. You need to move to England, for at least a few months, network with matchmakers and friends, and find your British gal. But if you decide to stay where you are, in the good old USA, for whatever reasons you come up with, then you will be sabotaging your chances of meeting your soulmate if you persist in fantasizing about your British dream girl. Every time you go out with a nice girl from Brooklyn or Long Island, you will compare her to your idealized Austin Powers beauty, and she just won’t measure up. It just won’t be right. You’ll continue wasting the time of many fantastic American beauties, and your own time, in your personal London fog.

Lester is just an example. A lot of soulmate searchers face the same challenge. Reality check: there’s nothing wrong with having a dream, even a fantasy, as long as you do your best to make it come true. If you can’t, then you need to adapt. That doesn’t mean you need to settle. It means you have to adjust your need and expectations to the reality of your personal situation.

A few months back I wrote a blog post called Fishing in the Right Pond. Read it.

As long as you stick to your particular dream, do everyone out there who doesn’t fit into your picture a big favor and DON’T waste their time by dating them. Until you decide to adapt to reality, it won’t work, and you’ll only cause pain and frustration. If you only want to marry an MD/PHD/MBA, then either get a reality check or just date people with those letters at the end of their name. If you only want to marry someone religious, DON’T date people that aren’t (or change your requirements). Holding onto your fantasy and dating people that are clearly not a part of it is wrong, hurtful, and irresponsible.

Get a reality check. Either follow through on your dream or adapt to your reality and move forward to happiness and success.

Are you holding on to a fantasy that is preventing you from getting into a serious relationship? What are your thoughts on the subject?

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