What is Bashert?
Bashert is the Yiddish word for soulmate.
For all of you who have recently had your Bashert hopes and dreams dragged through the mud and thrown in the dumpster, I come to the rescue with some spirit lifting and dream rejuvenating news: your Bashert does exist!
All is not lost! You won’t have to go through with the pact you made with that geeky loser 15 years ago even if you do hit 40 and are still single. Your Bashert is out there.
But how do you find your Bashert? I’ll tell you in a second.
What exactly is a Bashert?
Before I tell you how and where to find your Bashert, I think it’s only right that we first clearly define what a Bashert actually is. Here are the criteria that I believe define a Bashert:
- Someone who will appreciate you for who you are, not who they wish you’d be.
- Someone who will be there for you when you have to deal with illness, death, unemployment, financial ruin, etc.
- Someone who will motivate you to be the best person you can possibly be.
- Someone who will lift your spirits, and not smash you down.
- Someone who will sacrifice their time and energy, and go out of their way to help you and make you feel good.
- Someone who will help you raise a wonderful family.
- Someone who will love you when you get old and frail.
So how do you that you’ve found that special person selected by the heavenly hosts to be your Bashert?
You don’t. You can’t.
You see, there’s no way you can know if someone fits all the criteria I mentioned above before spending a lifetime with them. Sure, it’s possible that if you date someone for long enough you will experience some of those things, like illness, death, unemployment, etc. But you definitely won’t see all of them, and even the ones you will see might not give you an accurate picture of how that person will act in a marriage with the added stresses of children and a million other things.
When I married my wife I thought I knew it all. I moved to Tel Aviv and looked for a job for almost a year. Nine months after our marriage my mother passed away. Then we moved from Tel Aviv to NY to be near my dad. Then we had our first child. Then we moved apartments. Then we had our second child. Then we moved to our first house. And we were only married for less than 4 years!
After each of these life changing events I saw new strengths in my wife that I never could have known existed. Our love grew stronger and deeper with each challenge. There is no way that I could have ever known how she would deal with death until it happened. There is no way I could have known how she would be with 2 babies, severe lack of sleep, cramped NYC quarters and a dozen other stresses. Would she stand with me in times of trouble, lift me up when my spirits were low, sacrifice her time and energy for me and our children, and love me even when I deserved to be tarred and feathered?
I’ve learned so much about her over the past few years, but there’s still so much more I’ll learn in the next 50 or 60.
Is the woman I married my Bashert?
I really think so, but I won’t know for 100% sure until we’re both sitting in our rocking chairs reminiscing about our long and happy life together. Only then will I be able to say with 100% certainty that she is my Bashert.
How can you find your Bashert?
So what can you do right now, today, to make sure you pick the right one who you will be able to say is your Bashert?
Focus on the qualities that really matter in marriage and raising a family instead of the things that many singles actually focus on like looks, charm, finances, and social status. I’m not saying that these things aren’t important in forming an initial romantic connection, but in the long run, they are all fleeting. Looks will fade. Charm won’t help when kids are screaming, sleep is lacking, and house is messy. Finances are here today, gone tomorrow. Jobs don’t last forever. Neither do stock portfolios. Social status…Hah!!
Here are the criteria for a Bashert that do matter:
- Able to deal well with stress
- Sense of humor
- Someone who shares your basic life goals and plan
Let me know if I missed any.
Yes, your Bashert exists, but you won’t know for sure until you’ve lived with them for many years, maybe even a lifetime. If you focus on the right criteria, your chances of ending up with your Bashert are excellent.
So, have you found your Bashert?