How long to stay in relationship

How Long Is Too Long to Stay in a Relationship that Isn’t Moving Forward?

I just heard about a young woman who ended a 10 year relationship with her college sweetheart. She wanted to get married. He just couldn’t commit. I was shocked. Ten years. It reminds me of the movie He’s Just Not That Into You where Jennifer Aniston finally breaks up with her boyfriend of 7 years (Ben Affleck) after he tells her that he doesn’t want to marry. That story has a happy ending, when Ben overcomes his nuptial fears and proposes to Jennifer. Real life stories usually don’t end so well.

I know that what I’m about to tell you is probably going to be really harmful to a lot of women, but I believe in being totally honest with my readers, so here goes.

I personally know several couples who dated for five years or more and finally did get married (and are still happily married).

Why is this harmful? Because I might have just given women stuck in dead end relationships which will never lead to marriage the false hope that they too will be one of those success stories, and the motivation (or excuse) to hang in their for another couple of years (or more).

Ladies, before you get too excited let me tell you two things about those success stories:

1. The women involved went through hell for years.

I can only imagine the frustration and pain they constantly had to suffer as year after year flew by with nothing more to show for than some I love you’s and promises of impending engagement, as they watched their friends walk down the wedding aisle one by one. Can you handle that pain, day after day, for years?

2. The women eventually gave their men a choice: marry me or lose me.

And they were serious. They cut their guys off, cold turkey, no making up, getting back together, trying again. No more. It worked.

Learn your lesson from these gals. If you’re in a relationship with a man who is unable to ask for your hand in marriage, you have two choices:

1. hang in there and hope he comes to his senses.

2. break up with him.

If you choose curtain option number one, you will join the legions of frustrated and disappointed who have made the same choice, and eventually find yourself back on the dating scene, scarred, bitter, and several years older competing against a whole new crop of young, bubbly, playmates. If you are in your mid thirties, staying in a dead end relationship could be socially, and maternally, suicidal.

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My advice is to choose option two and break up. Yes it’s scary. What happens if he doesn’t come back? Well, I hate to tell you this, but if he doesn’t come back he would never have married you anyway.

What if he just needs more time? Fair enough. Set a time frame that is reasonable for YOU. Unless the guy is in the middle of med school (or the equivalent), he shouldn’t need more than 6 months to at least make a very clear commitment to marry you in the near future. If it doesn’t happen by your one year anniversary, I’d say it’s time to “go on now go, walk out the door”.

Being engaged for years is no solution either. I can’t see a good reason to be engaged for more than a few months or for as long as it takes to plan your perfect wedding. More about long engagements coming soon.

[bctt tweet=”I can’t see a good reason to be engaged for more than a few months — enough to plan wedding.” username=”DatingCoachSOS”]

So how long is too long?

I think anything over a year. If you can’t get clarity by then, chances are extremely high that it will never happen. And by the way, the same applies to guys dating girls that won’t commit. If a woman can’t commit to marrying you now, she almost definitely never will.

How long do you think is too long? Have you been in a long relationship that ended well? Badly? You can share your thoughts in the comments section below.

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38 replies
  1. Vera
    Vera says:

    Hi, I’ve been in a 3 year relationship with a man. I met him Summer 2016 and moved in April 2017 and have a life together, share everything. I have a 4 year old son from my ex, and he got one too. our relationship is very good, I’d say we are rarely fight or have some arguments, he treats me and my son very well like its his own. the problem is I want to get marry, and he doesn’t. I did once talk to him about it last year and he said I won’t marry you this year, next year, or in 2 years. I was so sad what I heard, but I love him way too much. then i decided to stay, and waiting a little bit more. but I dunno how long I have to wait. is it too early to ask him about this?

  2. DAA
    DAA says:


    My apologies for being so self centered and not commenting on the issue at hand.

    First and foremost I say to every woman you are a Queen, now being a Lady is your choice.(LOL). We must know who we are and what we want when going and ina relationship. I believe timing is everything and I do NOT believe in rushing a man, but do know when a man is delaying you. We know delay does not always mean denial, but in this situation you may want to believe it is.

    Ultimatums do not work, you want to be loved and married by choice not force. AND remember it is NOT always a bad thing to be rejected BC more times than less, it is a blessing in disguise that we could not see. God bless each and ever relationship and person!!

  3. DAA
    DAA says:

    I have been in a 3-year committed relationship which has been good, not perfect. We both have many faults, but my guy is the most loving and kindest guy I have ever met. (He is “My sweet loving migraine headache”). I have had more downs than ups since we have been together, in all areas and by the grace of God this man has been there for me every step of the way, especially when I was and do get sick, he treats me like a new born baby. Actually, that us my problem and fear is that he treats me like a baby and Queen and I am so spoiled!

    Ok to the real stuff, he wants to get married and at least get engaged now, but I just want to leave things as they are BC I am afraid he is going to change once married. (No more spoiling then). I know and believe that God has sent him to me and we pray together daily, but when he annoys me I go home and say that is why I am not marrying you. We did live together for a 1.5 yrs which I really enjoyed and we spend EVERY night together. I cannot imagine my life without my BFF, but also I want to put engagement and marriage on hold; AND we are not young. I am 53 and he is 66 (we just look and act VERY YOUNG)!

    I would just like to date for a couple more years to make sure. Yes, I am somewhat confused, but he says he is willing to wait BC he had to WORK SO HARD to get me in the 1st place and NOT only loves me but in love with me too!

  4. Brie
    Brie says:

    Although I understand everyone’s situation is different, there’s some real problems central to to this topic, and particularly to the way information is conveyed so I’ll try to help as least some folks. First, and I’ll keep this part short, the article itself needs to take a step back from it’s position as it can lead readers into some false assumptions and possibly scare some people. To begin, a part of the title of this article, “relationship that isn’t moving forward” leads us to assume marriage is THE vehicle to move a relationship forward (based on the content, it’s hard to argue otherwise). Whoa, there. Secondly, time is not THE indicator of a good, bad, or “dead” relationship. I personally know a couple who has seen people marry and divorce while they were still dating long time. This is to say, marriage isn’t the fix or cure. And it seems that if we all step back and look at the comments, marriage, or the idea of it, is really what’s antagonizing most of the commenters. Will saying “I do” make it all better? Will it really be forever? Look up marriage/divorce rates and come to your own conclusion. I’m not anti-marriage, but I don’t particularly like the way marriage (the thing that brings us together) in several cases actually works to tear people who would otherwise be happy apart. Finally, the “curtain options.” It’s obvious they aren’t really presented as options, but as points for persuading you to break up if you’re in a long term relationship without a commitment for marriage. Agree or disagree, if you like; however, the ultimatum is probably not a healthy option because nothing screams let’s start a life together than “marry me or else…” Beautiful. I digress, and at the same time apologize for what might be considered ripping at the article. I just want to make a point that it seems to unfairly in my opinion indicate to readers the health of a long term (yes, even many years) is centered around marriage.

    To cut to the quick of it, think about how marriage is being discussed and in what way and find out what it means or doesn’t mean to the other person. No one is immoral for believing in marriage, nor are they for not believing in it. And in the end, YOU decide what you’re willing to accept or not. Are you happy without the “I do”? How much do you need that? If a lot, then leave. If you’re still hanging around, then you can live with it and so move on. If you want to leave, but feel stuck then this isn’t the right article (look for getting out of bad relationship articles). Again, apologies for the “tough love” approach, but I’m seeing a lot of finger pointing. Is it all them? Look, many counselors will task you with what your role and responsibility is in the problem when they see a lot of one-sided arguments. Some of my friends in the field note that the more saintly the complainer make themselves sound, the more skeptical they become about the real story, even when the person totally believes it. I’m seeing traces of anger, resentment, and even a bit of withdrawal as a way to cope. That also projects both ways and will likely get neither of you to your goal.

    Two last considerations, some folks just aren’t the marrying type. BUT, don’t take that to mean that they aren’t devoted, loving, or that they would act any different than a married couple would. Also, I have to tell the non-marrying type to equally not hold anything against those that place a emphasis on marriage. I’ve know some people who get really frustrated, even hurt, that their value as a partner is based on “a paper” as one poster put it. They call marriage old fashioned, institutionalized, an ritual of dressing up to state what is already known, and they complain that laws, religion, and taxing practices unfairly privilege the concept of marriage. There’s some merit to this and vise-versa, but I don’t think it’s fair for them to label people who mutually want marriage as problematic in these ways either.I suppose the point is that there’s always another point of view that goes beyond just selfishness.

    All in all, if you lasted 7, 10, or more years, you can probably make it without formal marriage (some folks have common law), and many of you may in fact statistically have outlasted a great number of marriages, as cold and blunt as that sounds. Not to be a downer, but if you’re reading/posting to this article with the intent to confirm you’re on the “right” side of the argument or as ammo to convince your significant other in a debate, then you have to know you’re already headed towards the wrong side of that rate, even if you do succeed in persuading or forcing marriage. And to boot, articles and comments sections of these sorts may initially be intended for answers but they tend to quickly become ways to glorify your position over your partner’s (whose voice isn’t even present here)…which isn’t right on your part if you let it get that far (tough love, forgive me). For some, this might come as a new or different way to look at the conversation. For others, they have already made up their mind. And that’s the crux. How open are we or aren’t we, and in what ways?

  5. Ember Rain
    Ember Rain says:

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for 7 years. I was honest on our first date about having to pay for getting pregnant. I told him I dont want to live with someone who would be around my kids then leave, their dad is not around. On one yr he have me a promise ring saying he would marry me. Years later he said it was a promise he would always love me. He now refuses to even answer me if I ask about future plans. He is always on his phone but doesnt respond to me. We are 7 yrs in our relationship and when I say I respect any decision he makes and still nothing. We dont go out on dates unless its weeks after my birthday. When he works out of town (where he stays in hotels) and managed all women employees, I would hear from him for days. I’ve worked very hard to pay Bill’s to relieve stress and I feel he is so secretive and that’s why he gets mad. He says at least we helped eachother if anything. I left a bad relationship prior to him. And he knows that. And every time I fix a reason why he will even say we are committed and will make it through anything (not necessarily marriage) he makes another reason. I just want closure and let him go. Or to be told we got this and move forward. He gets defensive if I wear certain clothes now where as before he was so sweet and charming. Im not accepted on his social media and any little thing sets him off. I know I’ll be told contact a counselor but I need all the money I have because one of my children needs care for their cancer remission. How do I ask what he wants without causing anger? He only has said it depends on of we get along. But he gets mad so easily now. Any suggestions help because im at the point to where I don’t know what to do or how to act I give him space and work full time stay business and ask how I can make things better. He has no kids but when I offered to pay to have one he chose other things. He is in his late 30s and I just need advice. And yes this Is embarrassing.

  6. Jessica
    Jessica says:

    I’m 38. We’ve been together 8.5 yrs. He knew wk 2 I wanted marriage and kids bc I was up front. He has an 18 y/o daughter and she’s almost 19. He was separated 2 yrs when we met and finally was able to get a divorce last year. We have lived together the whole time since 2010 (problem #1). We are BEST FRIENDS and I’ve never trusted anyone but him. Never goes out, doesn’t drink and is 100% committed. His mom even asked on multiple occasions and he said we were getting married. He promised end of 2018. Still no proposal. Best relationship I’ve ever been in. Supportive, positive, encouraging, loves to travel, we laugh 24/7, etc. He promises we are getting married and having children, but still no proposal. I’m tired of waiting and tired of bringing it up. I want to leave but I’m so afraid I’ll lose him forever. I brought it up again tonight after he had worked 12 hrs. Said I’m no longer waiting. I even told him mos ago just get me a fake ring idc you can get me something better down the road. I’m nearing the child bearing years and he knows how important this is to me and has even said we have plenty of room here, especially if we have kids. He talks about the future, but still no proposal. He went into hermit mode this time when I brought up it’s been a year since his divorce and he promised marriage soon after that. BTW, that marriage was over long before I came along but there were some financial reasons why it didn’t happen sooner. It took SEVEN YEARS before he was divorced!!! Saying that out loud is so embarrassing!!! I’m just so mad at myself! I love him so much but love myself more. Idk how or when, but I have to make change or next thing you know I’ll be 49 still waiting and no baby!

  7. John Doe
    John Doe says:

    Well with so many women nowadays that are so very picky and looking for Mr. Perfect which definitely has a lot to do with it today, especially when many women now want men with a lot of money.

  8. Honey B
    Honey B says:

    This is a really useful post. I have been in a relationship for 10 years now and I have always wanted to get married but my partner doesn’t (he is divorced.) I respect his feelings, but he uses the “it’s just a bit of paper” line as well and it does get to me that when he married his first wife he believed in it and now he doesn’t with me.

    • jenna
      jenna says:

      I have been going through the same thing for 7 years. Promises that never took place. Him disappearing on me for weeks. Why on earth would someone non stop tell you to move in with them and at the same time within a couple of days say it was just a thought. Over the years I have changed as a person. Its like I do not care anymore. And I want to leave him, but it is hard. Why didnt he tell me from the beginning he was just fooling around. I mean we are both over 55. Why must I put in all the effort all the time. Then suddenly he will make a joke about proposing and once again he will say oh it was merely a thought. So now I have resorted telling him I will not move in with him anymore and no marriage as well. He wants to stay single to see others behind my back, then go ahead. Still, I find it hard to walk away. And in the end women like us are mentally screwed. I have decided once this is done if it is ever going to get there, I do not want to date ever again.

  9. Kathi
    Kathi says:

    Well at least reading these, I dont feel so dumb. Others are in the same boat. I have been with my bf for 9 yrs, we are both widowed and in our 50’s. He knows I want to get married and just goes silent when I try to talk about it. The most he says is, he just doesnt want to get married again. Wont give a reason. Hard to leave after so many years, what seem to be wasted years. I talk about moving, and he doesnt even suggest living together. I guess I know what I need to do, but its so hard.

  10. Mandy
    Mandy says:

    Why Marriage so freaking important to tell everyone they are committed to someone. It really doesn’t mean your in love it’s just a paper that is harder to end the relationship if you want out but people still Divorce. You should act like your married before you married if you have that kind of close relationship and don’t put any weight on a piece of paper. Don’t get me wrong I love the idea of marriage but people need to stop acting like it’s the end goal in a relationship your wedding isn’t the end. The end goal is to spend your life with that person till death you don’t need a peice of paper. If you put a number on how many years till marriage comes because it’s some form of reward or end game after loving the person your with then you don’t really care about the person. I understand that different have diffent security levels they need to feel like the other person cares about them but I don’t think marriage should be the answer you should build the relationship strong enough to with stand with or with out getting married The idea of marriage is great but some think it’s more important than it really is. The love and loyalty you share with someone is 1st priority.

    • Arnie Singer
      Arnie Singer says:

      If marriage isn’t important to both parties in a relationship, then they don’t need the “piece of paper”. But if it is important to one or both, then you need to respect that and recognize the importance.

    • Jenna
      Jenna says:

      The thing is Mandy, women give. They put in financially eyc. They have their own homes too. So taking care of 2 households because he wont move in or let you move in is financially destructive for women. So is feeling used. And once there is a break up, he is secure as she maintained a lot whereas she lost so much money especially if over 50. And you cannot claim it back. Result? I suggest to women ja, date him but pay only your share nothing else. You be amazed how many men then walk away.

  11. Patrice
    Patrice says:

    Hello I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 1.5 years. I don’t want 4 to 5 years to pass and we are still in the same place. I was very open in the beginning advising him I will like to be married again. I was previously married for 8 years and it ended. The interesting thing about this situation is he has three kids (4,7 and 25) by three different women. I have a child of my own 13 and do not want anymore children. All of his relationships have been anywhere from 5-8 years with no marriages. If I don’t bring up the future neither does he, I ask him about this and he stated “ just because I don’t speak about it doesn’t mean I’m not thinking about it”. Keep in mind this man is 48 and I am 43. Just need some advice.

  12. Taylor
    Taylor says:

    Thank you so much for this article! I have bin with my man for almost 10 years … I have had to watch my friends and family one by one walk down the aisle… and it has caused me a great deal of pain .. everytime I asked him if he had plans he would say yes I will .. when will you can I start planning or just go to the court house it didn’t matter to me . I have two kids with him nothing has bin more harder to me then to finally realize I wasn’t good enough 😩 But I can’t watch one more person I no have the dream I want so badly … I am giving up I give up i plan on moving out asap and letting him come back to me or not .. but I would rather be alone then with someone who isn’t coming to his sense it’s ate me alive inside it’s done more damage then it’s bin worth believe me .

  13. Posh
    Posh says:

    We lived together for 5 years, and were together for 6 years. In 2013 summer I said: 6 months to think – lets get married or lets break up. I’ve waited for 1 year. He didn’t proposed. 2014 summer I left.
    One year after break up he wrote me letters, we talked…
    In 2016 spetember he proposed to our common friend and in 2017 he married her!!! What a “Happy end”! :)))
    And I am still alone and depressed…

  14. Lo
    Lo says:

    I’ve been with my bf for 11 years since college. We’ve had many ups and downs which includ long distance and breaks. We broke up a few years back due to disagreements of marriage and when. We got back together with a compromise but 3 years later still nothing. Reason being we need to be financially ready- meaning a house. We ended up moving for my job and getting close to buying a house, only to have him relocate for a promotion in his job. Feeling like we are never on the same page- I gave him until the end of the year to decide or I’m gone. What hurts is he has to think about it. It’s made me think if this is what I even want at all anymore and it just sucks.

  15. Shae
    Shae says:

    Please help!
    7 years no ring and I’m miserable.
    Been waiting since year 3. He had me pick out a really affordable ring. We got pregnant which was fine at the time because we were getting engaged anyhow. It never happened. If I could go back I would have left when I found out. I feel all alone like a single mom except for finances.
    At baby shower I felt ridiculous without that ring and him being there. At the babies birth I debated not having him there. I ended up giving the baby his last name. Huge mistake. Now I’m the outsider.
    Our son is almost two now. Since his birth I have no stopped asking him when when when. I’ve screamed and cried now! I want to get married now l I’m leaving I’m done. He looks at me quietly.
    He insists we are getting married. Nothing ever happens. It’s all words no action.
    His annual fam xmas Party is coming up in 2 weeks and I said I’m not going to any fam events anymore with him. Last year his aunts embarrassed me putting me on he spot calling me his wife and asking when the wedding was. Our son was a few months then.
    And the year before I was there 7 months pregnant! I can’t even believe this BS as I type it. I’m so upset.
    I’ve never had a situation like this or even heard of it. I’ve seen it in movies and read stuff online but it makes no sense. Why is he even with me???
    And now I saw there’s no money in our bank. He’s been putting all his dough in his retirement. Thousands of dollars. This would seem fine if A. We didn’t have expenses and bills like we do B. Where’s my ring?! C. If you want me to be a true single mom then get out of my house!
    I feel so stuck here. I know I’m going to be broke if I’m alone and I can’t do it alone. Every time I see his face I’m angry about this. I feel used! Like he used my body as a baby factory for him! Forget women using men and trapping them by getting pregnant. This is the other way around! I love my son and wouldn’t go back but I would never have had a child with this man without commitment. Huge mistake.
    I told him I’m leaving and won’t go into 2018 w/o at least a proposal. He insists he will prooose by then. He also said he would propose back at my bday in September. We are both 34 and he wants another baby! I said no sorry no way it will happen. I told him I’m moving on and I’m going to meet another man now. If he won’t commit then I want to find someone else. I want another baby before I’m 40 but I’m getting married first.

  16. Ms troublesome
    Ms troublesome says:

    I found this article because I am searching for answers. I am dating my biyfriends for almost 1.5 years now. We talked about concerns we have. Sounds like we both want to get married and have a family, he defiantly wants to have kids. The key here is my age! I am almost 40, so the time is very critical for having kids (he states he wants kids for sure!). It bothers me because I don’t know how long we would date. The longer we date the less chance I can get pregnant! If I am younger or older I really don’t care, but I am on the edge, and we still just dating meeting each other on the weekends, we are not even talking about moving in together. I mentioned few times but he seems no rush! I told him if he wanna find someone else go ahead, but he said he likes me, so I don’t know what he is waiting for?!? Any suggestions?

  17. Holly
    Holly says:

    Sorry, but I don’t agree with any of this. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years this June. We began our relationship at a rocky time in our lives, when we both had just graduated college and the economy was horrendous. We’ve only just begun to live together, but that’s because we were both struggling with financially and couldn’t make it happen. We had been trying to move in together for a few years prior.

    We are both perfectly content with our relationship. He takes things slow as a way to be sure of his decisions – that’s just who he is. I know it doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to marry me. And, he is still struggling financially, so I know he can’t afford to save for a ring at the moment.

    And honestly, I don’t care. Marriage is not a priority for me. It rarely crosses my mind and although I’ve told him my dreams, I never bring it up otherwise. Sure, there are a few times I’ll stop and imagine how great a small, dream destination wedding would be, but then I shrug and say what’s the point? Neither of us want kids, and marriage would increase our student loan payments to ungodly amounts we probably can’t even afford. And although he talks very occasionally about marriage (he brought it up a few weeks ago when talking about his friends engagement, and said about us that “we’re building something special”), I can tell it’s not exactly a priority of his either.

    And that’s fine! Who says you have to be married to be committed? Who says you have to marry at all?

    Thats just how we feel.

  18. Kat
    Kat says:

    We’re both in our 40s. We’ve been together for almost 7 years. At our 3rd year he proposed to me and then 4 months later he called the wedding off. I thought we had broken up but we didn’t know how to leave each other alone. Now I’m unhappy because he was ordained to be a deacon in his church, spiritually this type of relationship isn’t acceptable, and I feel that this relationship is going nowhere because he’s gotten comfortable. Ladies don’t let your man get comfortable! When he does, that’s a wrap!

    • Cin
      Cin says:

      You are sooo right! Also, be weary of him being “all talk and no action” Even the simplest things, like doing something you mentioned to him and it never happens says alot about him going Nowhere but Comfort Zone with you.

  19. Jaeson
    Jaeson says:

    I think someone knows if it will work out (barring any major mental issues) within 1.5 years. If a man or woman is unable to commit at this point, it is time to let them go. They are trash, and KNOW they are trash. Most people I know who are married, said they could tell within 6 months if this was the right person or not. I don’t think one should commit that soon, since some people take longer to get to know than others. But if you are smart enough to not be someone’s sex cow you can make a wise decision. Relationships are built on trust, respect, and shared life goals and interests. If you don’t have those, no amount of sex can make up for it. If you are woman, you are fooling yourself- he’s using you. If you are a guy- she’s using you. If someone really loves you- they commit.

    I’ve seen way too many stupid people end up with the wrong person just hoping things get better. Then you look at them, and 5 years later (6 in one of my friend’s cases) they are still just ‘dating’ while their s/o clearly doesn’t give a shit. I see this more in women then men, but it happens to them too.

    A bad boy will always remain a bad boy. They don’t grow up from your influence, they have to want to grow up themselves. And no, that doesn’t happen once someone hits 21 or whatever age you have in mind.

    Someone who is arrogant, impatient, and unkind will stay that way as long as you are with them.

  20. Ginger
    Ginger says:

    This September will be 10 years we’ve been dating (with the exception of the 2 years we broke up. I basically broke up with him because he hadn’t married me.) Anyhow, I was miserable without him. And now I’m dead inside knowing that he really just doesn’t care, love or respect me enough to marry me.

    • Brenda
      Brenda says:

      Hi Ginger, I have been dating a guy from my senior year in high school and its will be 10 years this summer. Every time I talk about or even mention marriage he seems to ignore me. We live together since our early twenties and things seem to be going along but now I am looking for more. I don’t know if staying with him will he eventually want to marry or am I wasting my time hoping he will. I feel like i’m still back in senior year of high school with him cause life decisions have not happened with the exceptions of moving in together.

    • Becky
      Becky says:

      Omg I know the feeling!!! 11 yrs together and what a waste of time! No commitment, no security, no future! I kick myself all the time

  21. Meg
    Meg says:

    Thanks for your honest and insightful post. I’ve been in a dating relationship for over a year now, and my boyfriend ‘David’ and I are both in our mid-50’s. We’ve each been married once before, our divorces many years in the past. We’re compatible on so many levels, enjoy traveling together, and get along well with the other’s family and friends. We talked about moving in together in a general way, but it’s become apparent that David is ‘not ready’. His primary relationship is with his older sister, and his future plans include family, but not me. I realize I’ve made things very comfortable for David, and allowed myself to be the third wheel. I don’t want to remain frustrated and resentful. At this point, it’s up to me to decide…if we’re staying in the ‘dating zone’, then I need to dial back my investment in the relationship, devote more energy to other fulfilling activities, and see if that’s going to be satisfying for the long run. If I really want a commitment, then I need to make my timeline clear and stick to it. Sigh.

    • Heidi
      Heidi says:

      Hello Meg.

      I don’t know if this post is still open to replies, but I thought I would give it a chance. Your post hit so close to home that I couldn’t not reply.

      I am curious as to what you finally ended up doing and what your situation is now. My boyfriend and I are also in our 50’s, previously married and divorced and we have been in a relationship for over three years. We truly love each other and vaguely talk of spending our lives together, however things have reached a point where they are comfortable for him and I do not see much of an effort on his part to take things to the next level.
      It seems that there is always something that deviates his focus from moving forward. He has his business, an older sister who spends a couple of days a every week at his place, his hobbies and activities that keep him busy, and his dog who is like his second child.
      I appreciate that he has such a fulfilling life, but I often feel like I am something he “pencils in” on the weekends.
      I understand that he wants to take his time with our relationship so that he doesn’t make the same mistakes that he made with previous relationships. He thinks that the longer we wait, the better our chance of staying together forever. I just wish I had some idea of when he thinks he will be ready….
      I know that he is the type of person who would be fine without someone special in his life. He has made that clear a few times. Like I said, he has a fulfilling life even without me. However, I would very much like someone to share my life with me (more than just on the weekends).
      I believe he is the love of my life, but does he feel the same about me if he can’t even make room in his life for me…?

      It would be nice to hear back from you Meg, but even if I don’t, it felt good to get my thoughts organized and to vent a bit.
      Thank you.

      • Kristy
        Kristy says:

        Hi Meg I am in the same position that you are I have been in a 5 year realtionship with a man who says he wants to commit but here I am still waiting. I actually broke up with him and he wanted to make things work and said things would change that was over a year ago! It is so difficult when you truly love someome For five years I have been that weekend girlfriend too! Hope this reaches you and let me know how you are doing!

        • Carla
          Carla says:

          Hi i am in a similar situation. I have to tell you i am so happy i’m not alone. i have been dating my boyfriend for what will be 3 years and I’ve been divorced for 5 years and he has been divorced for 1.5 years. yes we started dating when he was separated, which is probably most of the problem. he didn’t get time for himself. and i told him this many times. he has two teenage kids, the daughter lives with him and she isn’t the most pleasant and my relationship with her started off phony, which i thought she wanted one but really she just wanted to shut up daddy and make nice with his new girlfriend and his son lives with his ex. I have two young sons who adore him. we talked about marriage and living together buy only because i have brought it up numerous times and broke up with him over it. its the same old story he is “broke” pays for his kids private school and his ex’s alimony. the best is i lived in an apartment and he lived with his mom during the separation and divorce. i wanted a house and hinted to him but he never hinted back so i went on to buy a house and six months later he bought one. he could’ve stopped me and said lets get something together but hat was another argument. we really never talk about the future because he claims he wants to be financially stable to raise another family but we go on “family” vacations. nothing makes sense to me. oh and the ex wife doesn’t leave him alone, she constantly texts and emails and calls him and he doesn’t put an end to it. and its not only about the kids its about everyday things, things that you would ask a husband. so obviously they cant detach from each other and i’ve had multiple talks and arguments about this.anyone have any suggestions?


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